Let Me Introduce You to Schwinny!

I have a new friend.  Her name is Schwinny.   She is an upright exercise bike that now calls my home office her home. The funny thing is that my friends would say that I am not an exercise bike kind of person.  I have always HATED spin classes.  I couldn't stand how painful the seat was.  I would add towels so I could have more comfort, but it only lasted a minute or two. I would stare at the clock in class and count down the minutes.  When I say HATE…I really mean hate!  I bought a cruiser bike last year to help my sister with her marathon training.  But that was all to help her, other than our adventures in long running, it has stayed in the garage.

So, what changed?  What would make this self-proclaimed bike hater purchase an exercise bike and put it in the room that she spends the majority of her time?  Well, to be honest, being tired of the pandemic is what happened.  It's almost exactly one year since we all started the two week pause to flatten the curve.  I've been working from my home office for that entire time.  My commute to my desk is 10 steps.  My break to go to the bathroom is 10 steps.  I just don’t move throughout the day.  I bought a standing desk, but standing doesn’t actually mean I'm moving my body. The realization that we are at the year mark really hit hard for me.  I don't know about you, but I'm just tired of this.  I'm tired of being in this "new normal".  I'm tired of my lifestyle being one where I am only active on occasion.  I'm tried of feeling like I have truly become sedentary.  I bought a treadmill (which will be here this weekend!) but it would be too noisy for an upstairs office.  So, I started searching for other options to start moving throughout my work day.  Then, while watching facebook videos, my treadmill company played an ad where a woman finishes a work conference and stands up to head over to her bike and she starts riding.  I'm assuming that because I just bought the treadmill the ad kept showing up in the feed.  And it worked.  Why couldn’t I get a bike and update the seat so it works for me?  I have room in my office and would have the perfect spot.  I could ride during conference calls that I'm not leading.  I could stretch my legs and just get them moving more.  The next thing I knew, I placed the order! 

 I've had the bike for over a week and I've gotten on it every day.  I'm still not loving riding, but I am loving how I feel because I'm moving more.  And that is enough to keep me coming back.

Have you ever binged running movies?

If you recall, Becca and I binge watched dozens of inspiration running movies for the podcast. (see podcast episodes 15 and 17).  I have always loved running movies and have quite a library that I purchased on Apple TV.  For the podcasts, we agreed to watch all the movies so we could provide our thoughts on each one.

Becca was able to find quite a few movies that I had never heard of.  I had her watch some of my tried and true movies. I even found some new faves.  Shout out to "Once Is Enough"!  Something interesting happened while I was binge watching the movies for a solid two weeks.  I wasn't expecting it but it turned into a form of subliminal messaging…kind of.  I started to see humanity  as having limitless potential.  Every movie was about some person or multiple people defying the odds and overcoming adversity to achieve their goals through running.   While each story was different, they all had the same common message of persistence and tenacity.  It's more than motivation.  It's more than discipline.  It is truly tenacity. 

One of my favorite quotes on tenacity is from Amelia Earhart.

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward."

Each movie unfolded in the same narrative.  The subject of the movie faced some sort of adversity.  Somewhere in that adversity they found running.  They used running to conquer the adversity and achieve their goals.  There were setbacks.  There were mini goals.  There were detractors.  There were unconditional supporters.   Every person can relate to these stories in some way.  We all have our own story that follows the same type of path, we just haven't reached our ultimate goal yet.  We are all on the journey. 

If you find you need to get some inspiration or feel like humanity can conquer all, just binge watch a lot of running movies.  You will be so inspired by your fellow human beings that you will feel better about life.

The Timed Mile

I started my new training plan today.  It called for a timed mile in the middle of the workout.  I’ve done several times miles in the past.  But, I am happy to say, my mile PR was during a race. I was oddly nervous to run the mile.  And I am not sure why.  No one was watching me.  In fact, I was the only person at the track.  Only my running coach will know the time.  It wouldn’t be public information.   So, why was I nervous?  Even while running the warm up mile, I could feel the nerves.  As I was about to start the timed mile, I even got that nervous “I need to pee” feeling.  Anyone else get that when they are nervous?  So, I completed the mile doing my run/walk intervals. 

 I turned on my Power Songs playlist to help distract the negative thoughts in my mind.  Those thoughts can seem so loud at times, it becomes nearly impossible to drown them out.  Those thoughts that you would never say out loud or towards anyone else.  You aren’t good enough.  You are so slow.  You deserve to be this slow. I could go on, and I know I do in my mind.  The good thing is the Power Songs helped.  At one point, I tried to sing along with Kanye West’s Power and then quickly reminded myself that if I can sing then I am not going hard enough.  I finished the mile having used almost all my energy. 

 I didn’t look at my time because my watch had already moved on to the next portion of the workout.  I switched the playlist to my normal running playlist and started another lap.  The first song was Imagine Dragon’s On Top Of The World. All workouts should finish with this song. It helped me get over how tired I was and reminded me that I just pushed myself harder than I had in a while.  I was feeling great about it…until I got in the car, synced my watch and saw the mile time.

It's hard not to compare yourself to where you used to be.  I was upset when I saw the time.  It was no where near my PR and no where near what I could run a couple years ago.  I felt like I had failed.  I gave it everything I had, but it wasn't good enough for me.  I wanted to run it again just to prove to myself that I could be faster.  But, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to try again.  I had already used all of my energy.  And, how would I feel if I came in slower?  I drove home feeling defeated.  I took a shower and ate lunch.  The entire time I was in a foul mood.  Luckily, time helped to change my mood. I started to think about all the changes I've gone through in the past couple years and why my time was understandably slower.  I'm not the same person I was several years ago and that is a major factor in my time.  Also, the good thing is that I can change my time.  This timed mile was done without much training. If I work at it consistently, I should be able to improve the time by a little bit.  I'm not where I was, and the timed mile was just a reminder of that.  But, it was only one workout.  I can change it by working every day.

I am sorry I ghosted you!

An open letter to my family and friends:

Hi.  First off, let me say that if I ghosted you in 2020, I am completely aware that I did it.  And, I am sorry.  Not to sound cliché but it was all me and had nothing to do with you.  We all reacted to the pandemic in different ways.  I have always been someone that believed that I could fake it until I made it.  Basically, I could fake being in a good mood because eventually I would be in a good mood because of it.  But, with the pandemic, I wasn't able to fake it anymore.  I would try to fake it and then get angry when I didn't end up in a better mood.  And, my depression only worsened as the pandemic went on.  But, the weird thing was that I would have weeks were I would feel completely normal.  I would reach out to people, make plans and feel like I was turning the corner and returning to my "old" self.  But, the next week, the depression would sneak back in and I would stay at home without communicating to people. I made up the excuse that we were just being safe by staying home and not going out.  After all, they would say it was safer to stay home than risk exposing your loved ones.  Also, because all the stores switched to pick up or delivery, I was able to become a socially acceptable version of a recluse.  I would only venture out of my house to go pickup groceries or takeout.  Towards the end of the year, I was able to make myself go to the gym and start working out again.  But, the idea of seeing my old workout buddies frighten me (and continues to frighten me).  Why?  Honestly, because I am ashamed of who I have become as a result of the pandemic.  I'm more introverted than ever.  I have lost some of the small talk communication skills that I worked at perfecting over the past 10 years.  I strongly prefer to listen to conversations rather than take part in them.  I prefer to observe life rather than be a part of it.  And, I'm not proud of it.  

So, why am I putting this out here now?  I'm not looking to make any excuses.  And, I don’t want anyone's pity. Trust me, I've put enough of that on myself since March.   I've come to the realization that the pandemic is not going away any time soon and if I don't change how I CHOOSE to interact with the world then I will only become more recluse and detached from society.  I have a choice every day how I react to the cards I am dealt.   I can either choose to be a victim or I can choose to rise above.  And I am choosing to be better.  I am choosing to try a little.  I am choosing to participate in life rather than let it go by.

Cheers to living a life that I choose to be a part of!