An open letter to my family and friends:

Hi.  First off, let me say that if I ghosted you in 2020, I am completely aware that I did it.  And, I am sorry.  Not to sound cliché but it was all me and had nothing to do with you.  We all reacted to the pandemic in different ways.  I have always been someone that believed that I could fake it until I made it.  Basically, I could fake being in a good mood because eventually I would be in a good mood because of it.  But, with the pandemic, I wasn't able to fake it anymore.  I would try to fake it and then get angry when I didn't end up in a better mood.  And, my depression only worsened as the pandemic went on.  But, the weird thing was that I would have weeks were I would feel completely normal.  I would reach out to people, make plans and feel like I was turning the corner and returning to my "old" self.  But, the next week, the depression would sneak back in and I would stay at home without communicating to people. I made up the excuse that we were just being safe by staying home and not going out.  After all, they would say it was safer to stay home than risk exposing your loved ones.  Also, because all the stores switched to pick up or delivery, I was able to become a socially acceptable version of a recluse.  I would only venture out of my house to go pickup groceries or takeout.  Towards the end of the year, I was able to make myself go to the gym and start working out again.  But, the idea of seeing my old workout buddies frighten me (and continues to frighten me).  Why?  Honestly, because I am ashamed of who I have become as a result of the pandemic.  I'm more introverted than ever.  I have lost some of the small talk communication skills that I worked at perfecting over the past 10 years.  I strongly prefer to listen to conversations rather than take part in them.  I prefer to observe life rather than be a part of it.  And, I'm not proud of it.  

So, why am I putting this out here now?  I'm not looking to make any excuses.  And, I don’t want anyone's pity. Trust me, I've put enough of that on myself since March.   I've come to the realization that the pandemic is not going away any time soon and if I don't change how I CHOOSE to interact with the world then I will only become more recluse and detached from society.  I have a choice every day how I react to the cards I am dealt.   I can either choose to be a victim or I can choose to rise above.  And I am choosing to be better.  I am choosing to try a little.  I am choosing to participate in life rather than let it go by.

Cheers to living a life that I choose to be a part of!