Last year at this time, I posted some strategies to help deal with anxiety and depression around the Holidays. I just re-read through that post. There are some really good strategies. But, what if you can't make yourself do them? What if your depression won't let you do anything to make you feel better?

Let's have some honest talk. And this is very personal talk for me. I know I talk about honesty and transparency but this is tough for me to type. But, one thing I strongly believe is that the most difficult things to discuss are the most important things for other people to hear (read).

I have been down for a while. When I say down, I mean that I don't enjoy my usual activities. I have a to do list that is quite long, but I can't make myself do it. I don't feel back but at the same time I don't feel good. And, if I think back, it all started at the end of September when I hurt my back. It started out as something very small. I worried that exercising would make my back issue worse. I worried that doing my normal routine would make my pain worse. I worried that running would cause more pain. I worried that strength training would make it worse. What I didn't realize is that my worries were just a cover. My depression was about to come back with a vengeance and I didn't see it. I just thought I was scared. I just thought this was a normal reaction to a chronic injury flaring up.

But, I was wrong. VERY wrong. I didn't realize until recently that my depression was slowly taking hold. Oh, there were plenty of signs. I had more sass in my conversations. I was short with people. I started to cancel on friends when we made plans. I would make my own plans and cancel them. My secret eating started to happen again. All the signs that I know are not what my "normal" is. (And, when I say normal, I mean baseline personality…what I am like every day…not what society's expectations of normal are).

And, the realization that I was depressed scared me. I am really good about getting myself out of a funk. I can exercise my way to happiness. Thank you endorphins. I could make myself work out and then my depression would eventually calm down. But, this time, I couldn't make myself workout. I could make myself go for a walk. I couldn't make myself do something. I was too far into my depression. And I was scared because I couldn't control it.

Luckily, I can make an appointment with my doctor online. If I had to call to make an appointment, I don't know if I would have. I was able to get an appointment for the next day. I was nervous to talk to her. I mean, who wants to admit something is wrong? She was extremely kind and explained a lot of options and we came up with a treatment plan.

So, what's my point in telling you all this? I want you to know that you never really know what someone is going through. If a friend cancels on you, it could be because they don't have the energy to walk out the door. And, that it is okay to get help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255